I Am
by Tylida Doradelo
Summary: A missing Epilogue from an earlier story. A good-faith story to previous reviewers. Can stand alone, I think. ; KOS-MOS/Mary's thoughts when confronting Wilhelm at Zarathustra. Spoilers!


A/N: Ok, so here's the deal. XD This was originally a chapter from Broken Saint, but I'd kept it out b/c I didn't think it fit. Well I stumbled upon it and thought, hey why not? XD  
So here it is. It's a oneshot about what was going on inside KOS-MOS' head during the end of Episode 3 where they all confront Wilhelm and Zarathustra. I though it might stand alone, but if I'm wrong let me know. Anyways, here it is:

I do not own Xenosaga or its characters and thats why I frequently obsess over the games. XD

* * *

**I Am**

"Mary, I forbid you to interfere, understand?"

KOS-MOS looked down, away from the sight of Shion was suspended in the air.

_It's better this way_, Mary's will whispered to KOS-MOS, _this way....this way she'll live forever._

_But..._the red-eyed version of Mary started to protest.

_KOS-MOS, I can't be responsible for her death again._

"KOS-MOS, what's wrong?! Hurry!" Allen cried, urging her to help Shion, begging her to free her from her pain.

"You're wasting your breath," Wilhelm said, calmly smoothly.

The voice seemed wrong for Mary's past image of him.

"Mary knows what must be done to save this universe."

_Mary, please._KOS-MOS all but begged, using her newly freed personality to force as much desperation into her voice as possible.

But Mary wouldn't budge, wouldn't release her hold over KOS-MOS' body, her new body. She only watched through blue eyes as Kevin sliced off Wilhelm's arm and watched expectantly as Shion hit the ground. KOS-MOS' automatic reaction was to run to Shion, but Mary held her still. There was a small noise from her; a whimper. Shion was her mother.

_No KOS-MOS. If we stop him, if we stop eternal recurrence, Shion will die...Yeshua will die._

_chaos?_

KOS-MOS' heart gave a painful skip. The pain shocked the android. The concept of pain at all surprised her. She loved chaos? She had a heart? KOS-MOS turned her head to catch a quick glimpse at the mysterious boy and while she was trying to understand the new feelings flooding over her, Mary concentrated on keeping the same face, the same stance because if the android had had any sort of control, her expression would have been something close to panic.

"Now Shion, have you changed your mind?" Wilhelm asked.

Shion writhed in pain. "N-n-no" she choked out.

He won't....

Mary felt a pang, but she couldn't let her memories get in the way now. How she wished Wilhelm would just get it over with.

"Hm. Stubborn, aren't we? Then how about this?" Wilhelm looked over at KOS-MOS.

His eyes flashed excitedly, as if this were his favorite part of a vid that he had watched over and over.

"Mary, bring Shion here."

_No! _KOS-MOS yelled, she held firm and Mary only sighed. She didn't want to have to do this either.

"What's wrong? Shion will continue to suffer eternally, not permitted to die. You're the only one who can release her from her pain." Wilhelm said, fake concern on his face.

"No KOS-MOS! Don't do what he says!" Shion cried.

"Are you sure, Mary? You don't want to lose Shion, do you?"

Both KOS-MOS and Mary panicked.

_Mary..._KOS-MOS almost cried.

_We don't have a choice, KOS-MOS. It's ok, after all this is over, she'll be reborn. She'll be able to live again. _

As if to prove his point, he boosted his power. Shion screamed.

Mary slowly, mechanically pushed KOS-MOS forward.

"Shion."

Shion tried to squirm away from her, but KOS-MOS moved on, picking her up in her arms and walking toward Wilhelm.

"No! Don't! KOS-MOS!" Allen cried

"Stop right there! Mary!" Kevin joined in, but it was no use.

"No! Stop!" Shion cried through her pain.

_Mary..._KOS-MOS cried, trying to seek out comfort from the cold, controlling woman. Mary felt guilty, but she couldn't let that stop her. She wasn't trying to be the evil voice that had once controlled her own body, but she had to do this, she had to get this done.

Without Eternal Recurrence, the dimension would collapse, Shion and Yeshua would die and this time, they wouldn't come back.

Mary carried her in her arms, remembering the last time she had seen Shion. She had been so different, so carefree. The circumstances of her new life seemed to have made her colder, harder this time around. Every time Mary had to do this, every time she was awakened she wished there was some way to avoid making Shion relive a life like that.

"Mary, you have to trust in me." Yeshua had said a long time ago, in an imaginary world called Jerusalem. He had come to visit a sleeping beauty, had talked to her.

"You have to trust me. I can save us. I've figured out a way to change everything, Mary. Please believe me. We can stop Nero. We can stop him. Become KOS-MOS. Break the chains that bind you."  
Please, Mary. Please, Mary.

Mary continued to walk, trying to block out the memories. She was too scared. She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it.

"That's right." Wilhelm said, "You can't defy me. This fate has been destined, right from the time you sealed Anima."

_Separate the Anima from Yeshua, get them away from Wilhelm._

She tried not to think. She tried to just focus. She had to do this, she had to.

"How does it feel to be betrayed by someone you once trusted, Shion?"

Mary gently placed Shion onto the crystalline floor.

"In order to save you," Wilhelm continued, " Mary intends to ignore your will and activate Zarathustra."

KOS-MOS pulled on the crystalline necklace.

_The necklace I made for her._ Mary thought sadly.

And pulled it away from her neck. KOS-MOS turned toward Wilhelm and walked those last few steps to him.

"NO!" Shion screamed.

Mary outstretched her arm, her fingers still tightly curled around the object.

"Very good, you have done well,"

_Trust me Mary._

_Mary...._

_Please Mary._

_I can save us._

_Become KOS-MOS._

"Please, Mary."

Mary froze. KOS-MOS' body went stiff.

_Yeshua?_

"Trust me." chaos whispered softly, it was almost inaudible and Mary wondered if she'd actually heard it or not.

Wilhelm made no movement, no sound to acknowledge that he heard anything.

Mary took in a deep breath.

Yeshua.

Slowly, steadily, Mary began to relax herself.

_It's ok Mary_, KOS-MOS said softly. _I'll take care of it._

_We'll take care of it._

And Mary slowly felt herself being overcome by something. Not the fire that had tried to break her, but a soft, smooth, soothing feeling. Like the lying flat on moving water....a shadow washing over her....a soothing voice....breath on her face....

"With this we will be able to live forever." Wilhelm spoke, emtionless.

KOS-MOS opened her hand, revealing the perfect crystal, the pink pedals inside.

"KOS-MOS.." Shion whispered.

There was a pause. It was a short one, only seconds long but to her it felt an eternity. Silence and then the sound of shattering glass. Small, perfect fragments flew everywhere.

"What are you doing?! Mary?" Wilhelm said, too shocked for emotion. How long had it been since he had given up emotion?

She only stared back at him. Mary smiling, she silently drifted away from him, allowing herself to be overcome by the wonderful feel of the ripples.

You lose.

"You fool! Now this universe will be completely distroyed. Even Yeshua will perish."

KOS-MOS smiled to herself. No, he would be fine. Everything was going to be fine now.

"Mary, is that what you really want?" The surprised Wilhelm asked, still without feeling, trying to change her mind, make her repair the fragments.

KOS-MOS bent down and helped Shion stand. She closed her blue eyes.

"I am not Mary." she said, opening her eyes to reveal the deep red color of them. "I am KOS-MOS!"

* * *

A/N: Short and sweet. CX It might have sounded like nonsense, but why not? And don't worry, Jason, Ganon I haven't given up on Dark Angel. ;P No hyperventilating please.


End file.
